insanely alive

When I drove back from Sedona, I said that the drive across the desert alone made me feel insanely alive. Oh, and it did. It was inexplicable. A rush of sorts and a total communal with nature and my soul and my God.

Yesterday was totally nuts. I woke up after about four hours of solid sleep and headed off to work. From there, I ran errands for this bridal show shindig and found an awesome t-shirt with my hero (yes, hero) Jimi Hendrix splashed across the front. Driving back, I couldn’t help but feel happy. It was a strange like inner calmness and happiness that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

After a power nap of sorts, I headed down to pick up my sister for dinner. We sat in a Friday’s with quite a few screaming Laker fans and had an invigorating conversation. At one point, I couldn’t help but look at her and think that somehow she’s been a part of me my whole life. Spending the rest of the evening with her and my brother and an extremely (surprising and) random assortment of friends was very cool. The drive again made me smile. It’s almost as though these drives after the completion of such happy moments are the times that it sinks in and I realize how really happy I am right now.

With another short night of sleep under my belt, I rolled out of bed to drive out to a place I love to meet a friend for a pretty amazing hike. My friend walked across a log about 12-feet in the air and said “let’s go.” I made it about 3/4 of the way before I froze as my mind got the best of me. And she says to me “you can do it.” That was it. I love this girl for the way she pushes me. We continued our hike and caught up on life until we reached the top and thought why not scale a rock, which is totally more my speed! It was pretty much completely amazing. When she suggested that we separate and stop for fifteen minutes to pray, I realized how extremely lucky I am to have her in my life.

So, I took the “long way” back. And again in the car, I couldn’t help but smile.

I have been thinking about this. I don’t think it’s the idleness that’s making me happy because I’m certainly not idle. It’s about two things for me right now. First, I don’t think I realized how unhappy I was in the situation I was in. I knew I wasn’t enjoying it, but I was separating that as my work day. I see now that it was affecting so much inside of me, including the way I related to people and to God. The second thing is that I realize that I somewhat thrive on this challenge of piecing things together. I know it’s strange to people that I have no fear that I’m not employed full-time or really have no idea what’s coming next.

Somehow, though, every single day last week (not an exaggeration) I woke up thinking something good was going to happen, and it did. Each day. So much to the point that my piecing together is literally buying me time. I’m starting to see that this is possible.

The “this”? It refers to controlling my work. For someone who has combined work and life meaning so intricately, it was somewhat devastating to watch it fall apart. To see now, that they are, in fact, related inversely is very freeing. I see now that I will be me and nurture my soul in the exact same way regardless of what I’m doing. That is exactly what makes it so easy to take care of myself.

I have gone to bed the last four nights and thought that I have felt “insanely alive.” It holds true again today.

It’s exactly like the freedom to climb up rocks and see amazing views without regard for a fear of falling.

Insanely, insanely alive.


I spent most of my life with three brothers. And I always said that I was glad I didn’t have sisters. I think my actual thought is I’m glad I didn’t grow up with sisters. Having three brothers is a huge reason that I am the way I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

For whatever reason in the past few months, I have really been thinking about how things change and I have grown and evolved.

So, I’m very happy that I finally have sisters. It’s pretty amazing for me. I have an amazing friend who is literally my partner in crime, and we’ve been so involved for so long that she’s family. I have an equally amazing friend who is so much a part of my past that we can pick up whenever and wherever and our 14-year friendship is just alive as it was years ago. I have what I would call a “soul” sister who understands quite literally the way my soul works because hers is exactly the same, and she pushes me to be a better person so I’m quite literally in awe of her. And I have an amazing sister who married my brother, and who I can talk to for hours at a time and feel like she was right there with me for my whole life.


Bridal Shows & Other Insanities

Ever since I left my job, I feel like I’ve been working four times as hard. While this is probably entirely true, it feels strange. It’s even stranger to think about how much things are backing up.

I finally finished the ranking of the 100 songs. I’m currently testing out two alternate blogging platforms for that one. I’m honestly considering making that blog anonymous per Tanaya’s suggestion. As I was grouping the songs into life categories, I realized some will probably make me cry or laugh or a variety of other things. I’m not entirely sure how comfortable I am yet with putting all of that out there in the cyber-universe.

I have been substitute teaching at Westridge School for the past three weeks. I’m definitely enjoying the work. It’s been a long time since I’ve been give the opportunity to just do a job. It’s a lot of fun to “create” in the realm of technology.

And…643 Photography has finally decided to enter a bridal show. June 28th is the date. We sent in the registration materials first thing yesterday, and I’m personally looking forward to it! In case you’re planning a wedding….here’s the place to go :

Fullerton Marriott front

Creeped Out

Because I am currently in a creeped out state, I thought it would be an opportune time to list the things that geniunely creep me out. Some could possibly qualify as fears, but none are crippling so I don’t consider them to be in that category.

So here goes……

  1. Moths. Specifically ones that I had to lock in the solarium to keep from getting into my apartment. This is mostly Ruben’s fault. And, yes, I really did call my mom and ask her if she’d come kill it for me.
  2. The roots in the Aerogarden. They’re slimy and entangled. The thought of touching them to clean it out makes me a bit queasy.
  3. Open closets. In the dark, closets freak me out. That’s been something since childhood. When I brought it up a few weeks ago, my mom reminded me that I would call her into my bedroom every night as a child and ask her to make sure the closet was completely shut.
  4. Ghosts. They creep me out because I (1) believe they exist and (2) never want to feel one again. And yes, I said again.
  5. Blood. I don’t like the color. I don’t like the smell. I don’t like anything about it. On the rare occasions I have to interact with it, I can handle it during the moment. Later, light-headedness ensues. (This especially applies to vials of blood.)
  6. My Achilles’ tendon. Yea, it creeps me out. My biggest fear in life (and I’m not exaggerating on that one) is ripping it in two.

Ok that’s it.

On the positive side, there are many things that don’t creep me out or scare me. Primary among those right now are zip lines.

decisions, decisions, decisions….

I just had to write this one down because it made ME laugh.

I just said to my mom, “When I have to make major life decisions I don’t like to think about them.”


“If I think about it, I’ll stress about it. So, I’d rather just go with whatever seems like the most fun.”

To which she replies, “Ok……I guess.”

She is very, very awesome, by the way.


I often say how lucky I am to have the brothers and sister I do. Today, as I was sitting through four hours of IMG00290WWE wrestling no less, I thought to say that it’s luck really isn’t fair. As I looked at my two younger brothers, I realized that there’s no luck about it. They (and my brother and sister-in-law) are quite simply the best things in my life. They are consistently amazing, and it’s honestly overwhelming at times.

When I was getting out of my brother’s car tonight, the younger one said to me, what made you decide to come? (After all, wrestling isn’t really my thing.) What I said was: “It seemed like it would be fun.” That was somewhat true. What I thought was: “Who else has a 17-year-old brother who invites his older sister  out with him and enjoys it?”

They make me smile. Deep, deep inside.

21-year-olds, Staph Infections, Joe Torre….and "Don't Stop Believing"

Last Sunday, I realized Clayton Kershaw would be pitching last night. I have to admit I was pretty much looking forward to it for the entire week. Minus the 30+ pitches he threw in the first inning, I wasn’t terribly disappointed. Oh, minus the 30+ pitches and this ridiculous diving stop he did to flip the ball to first base. All that after neglecting to direct traffic, presumably having Blake yell at him to get out of the way.

All that aside, some nights it’s so painfully clear that he’s 21. Ok, maybe that wasn’t an aside. It was more like “case in point.” I still hold that he is going to be an amazing pitcher in a year or two. Once he gets over what plagues his nerves in the first inning or so, when he throws an amazing amount of pitches and more likely than not, walks the bases loaded.

All in all, the losses don’t hurt as bad this year because I don’t see them as a catalyst for 12 more losses. With the best record in baseball, it’s more like “oh well.”

For one of the more interesting moments, this Jamie Hoffman kid comes up to the plate in the 6th inning and we learn that Xavier Paul has been place on the DL. Hmm….a staph infection, we learn. I only bring it up because I feel like it’s equally gross and random. I do feel bad for the kid. Making it to the major leagues and being forced to sit down with something like that.

Speaking of kids, the Dodgers’ new feature of first putting up the names of players who are under the age of 25 and then progressing to those under the age of 27 is pretty depressing. I don’t understand why 27 has to be cut off age!

Tanaya and I decided that we need to start corresponding with Joe Torre about this whole Manny situation. With Juan Pierre batting over .400, we just think it would be entirely unfair for Ramirez to be able to waltz back into the clubhouse in July and regain his position. I think Pierre deserves the spot at this point. More to come on that…..

And lastly, this “Don’t Stop Believing” thing is getting somewhat out of control. I admit that I only added to the cacophony by screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs, but it’s just so irritating that I wanted to prove a point. It’s not a baseball song. It’s depressing. And it reminds me of last year, which is also depressing. We have to yet to decide what a better alternative might be, but as soon as we do, we will definitely be writing to the Dodgers.

Everything’s always prettier on the Top Deck….the sky was stunning last night. Although this was taking from my phone, you can kind of get the idea…..