When I drove back from Sedona, I said that the drive across the desert alone made me feel insanely alive. Oh, and it did. It was inexplicable. A rush of sorts and a total communal with nature and my soul and my God.
Yesterday was totally nuts. I woke up after about four hours of solid sleep and headed off to work. From there, I ran errands for this bridal show shindig and found an awesome t-shirt with my hero (yes, hero) Jimi Hendrix splashed across the front. Driving back, I couldn’t help but feel happy. It was a strange like inner calmness and happiness that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
After a power nap of sorts, I headed down to pick up my sister for dinner. We sat in a Friday’s with quite a few screaming Laker fans and had an invigorating conversation. At one point, I couldn’t help but look at her and think that somehow she’s been a part of me my whole life. Spending the rest of the evening with her and my brother and an extremely (surprising and) random assortment of friends was very cool. The drive again made me smile. It’s almost as though these drives after the completion of such happy moments are the times that it sinks in and I realize how really happy I am right now.
With another short night of sleep under my belt, I rolled out of bed to drive out to a place I love to meet a friend for a pretty amazing hike. My friend walked across a log about 12-feet in the air and said “let’s go.” I made it about 3/4 of the way before I froze as my mind got the best of me. And she says to me “you can do it.” That was it. I love this girl for the way she pushes me. We continued our hike and caught up on life until we reached the top and thought why not scale a rock, which is totally more my speed! It was pretty much completely amazing. When she suggested that we separate and stop for fifteen minutes to pray, I realized how extremely lucky I am to have her in my life.
So, I took the “long way” back. And again in the car, I couldn’t help but smile.
I have been thinking about this. I don’t think it’s the idleness that’s making me happy because I’m certainly not idle. It’s about two things for me right now. First, I don’t think I realized how unhappy I was in the situation I was in. I knew I wasn’t enjoying it, but I was separating that as my work day. I see now that it was affecting so much inside of me, including the way I related to people and to God. The second thing is that I realize that I somewhat thrive on this challenge of piecing things together. I know it’s strange to people that I have no fear that I’m not employed full-time or really have no idea what’s coming next.
Somehow, though, every single day last week (not an exaggeration) I woke up thinking something good was going to happen, and it did. Each day. So much to the point that my piecing together is literally buying me time. I’m starting to see that this is possible.
The “this”? It refers to controlling my work. For someone who has combined work and life meaning so intricately, it was somewhat devastating to watch it fall apart. To see now, that they are, in fact, related inversely is very freeing. I see now that I will be me and nurture my soul in the exact same way regardless of what I’m doing. That is exactly what makes it so easy to take care of myself.
I have gone to bed the last four nights and thought that I have felt “insanely alive.” It holds true again today.
It’s exactly like the freedom to climb up rocks and see amazing views without regard for a fear of falling.
Insanely, insanely alive.