I’m a run-ner. There’s no other way to describe it. When things suck, my first instinct is to flee. Sometimes I have the opportunity to do it. Other times, I don’t.
I have been especially called to the desert in the past few months. As the stress mounted, it was pretty much the only thing that I could think to do. First, there was the visit to see my aunts and uncles. I remember waking up the first morning there and looking out their window and feeling completely in the right place. I cried when I got on the plane because I didn’t want to return. I love Los Angeles. It is my home. It gives me life. It is home to all the people I love most.
Right after that Tanaya and I ventured out to Phoenix for Dodger spring training. I enjoyed every second of the drive. It was pretty amazing to just see such beauty.
I took one day trip a few weeks ago so I could see the sunset in the desert…
It’s funny because I was trying to coordinate a family trip to Indian Wells a few weeks ago. It didn’t work out, and then last week happened.
So, here I am. Back in the desert.
The truth is (and maybe this says something about my ability to pray at home) that I can literally see God in the desert. I have zero question about faith. I just feel alive.
I’m almost certain I found my soul again on the I-17 driving north through Arizona.
And when I saw the red rocks for the first time, I did cry. I understand why Native Americans would say the presence of God is here. I really do.
I am very grateful for the responses of my family and friends. I know this is strange. I do.
I just talked to David, and he said that I’ve always been a little bit off the beaten path. That seriously made me laugh! “Normal people don’t drive to the desert when they’re stressed,” he said.
My parents have been very amazing in all of this. Amazing for supporting my decision and amazing for supporting this trip.
I told V that we officially have to be friends for life because he didn’t laugh when I brought up vortexes and the presence of God.
And, I am grateful for R for asking if I’m ok with traveling alone, but fully supporting it nevertheless.
I’m also grateful for Tanaya for replying that she knows I’ll be ok. That’s how we’ve been such great friends for so long. She knows exactly how to let me be.
This is honestly a healing trip.
The drive was meant to clear my head. To let me cry. To let me scream. To let me choose songs to help. To make me be silent. And I did all of the above.
And as I turned into my final destination, I realized (as I knew of course) that this is not the worse thing in the world that could happen or that has even happened to me.
That was gift number one for me.
I say that knowing that there is a fine line that must be balanced here. I can’t dismiss my experience as not important enough to be upset over. But I also can’t harbor all of these feelings that I am. This should expedite the process.
Gift number two was the first thing I did to prepare for tomorrow.
I wrote out on slips of paper—SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, GUILT, ANNOYANCE, RELIEF, CONFUSION, BETRAYAL, and ANGER. (For anyone who has ever said I don’t say what I’m feeling, there you go!) In my meditations tomorrow, these will disappear in the Red Rocks. I hope to not bring more than 2 home with me. That act alone was interesting. It’s almost like I took the feelings out of me and left them on the desk.
The second part was to take more slips of paper and write names on them. I divided the names into 4 columns. The first of those who were directly hurt by things that happened. Then just me. Then, people who were hurt because they support me and have to watch me be upset. And last, people who I am angry with. Again, the process of doing that alone was very freeing.
I was able to speak with everyone in the column of people I feel I have hurt today. I don’t think they would say I have hurt them, but I definitely have made this their problem as well. As for those directly hurt by the situation, I am genuinely about solidarity. Those two lists are my prayer lists. My anger list is also made up of people who I will pray for, but they are also people who I need to let go of.
I am thankful for a lot of things and a lot of people right now. I really am. It’s completely overwhelming to feel….