two goals

For the week:

  1. Another week of no Facebook. I was kind of thinking about it when the whole $50 billion news came out. That truly disgusts me. But there’s a weird part of me that thought I’d be “missing” something. So, I just decided to disable almost everything in my profile and just not log in. It worked nicely last week. So, I’m going for week 2.
  2. Double days at the gym. I’m just annoyed. I made so much progress before I started double full-time work, and it’s all been destroyed. (Progress on what? Honestly, part of it is weight loss. I really want to get something I painted tattooed across my side, but I refuse until I have visible muscles in my abs.) That plus, I’m running 3-4 miles easily so I figure I can add something in there. Just for a week…(famous last words).
  3. (Revised @ 11: 09 p.m.) I forgot an important one! Seven hours, ten minutes of sleep a night!

more conversations with my mom

(Disclaimer: This is by no means meant to mock my mother. I love her dearly, and sometimes she really, really makes me laugh.)

Sunday Night Dinner

Mom:  What are you doing this week?

Me: work…blah..blah..blah…run….write…blah…blah. Oh! I’m finally going rock climbing.

(short pause)

Mom: Jana (pause) please don’t tell that boy that you’ve always wanted to be Spider-Man.

Me: Why not? Don’t you think he should know?

Mom: He’s going to think you’re crazy.

Me: (silence–raised eyebrows)

Mom: Oh, you’re right. He probably already knows you’re crazy.

the Simplicity project & excitement

I’ve decided to start a Simplicity project this week. I kind of had this idea in my head, and I figured that I couldn’t have been the first person to think of it. So, I looked it up and someone blogged about this idea of only owning 100 items. I almost gave up upon reading that line, but then as I read further, I learned it didn’t apply to books.

My home isn’t dirty. It’s just cluttered. And often, I think that it mirrors my brain. I’ve cut out so much excess in the past six months that I think it’s time to do the same with things. Plus, the last two times I’ve spent time with a friend I’ve just made, I’ve marveled at how pristine her home is. And as I thought about it the last time I saw her, I was thinking it wasn’t lack of dirtiness. It was just lack of “stuff.” I’m hoping that this week will be the start.

I’m not sure what my magic number is going to be. I’m thinking 100 might be good.

In a totally unrelated aspect of life, I have a low-grade excitement in me right now.

It’s nice.

not blogging

The last three posts I’ve written are sitting as drafts. See, I’ve made a promise to myself not to complain. Honestly, they are not even true complaints, but they’re not happy and I’m trying to this an unhappy free zone.

But I also want to be honest so I’m going to just write a list. Facts only:

  • My brother gave me “Moneyball” for Christmas, and I just started reading it. A few chapters in, the short version is that it’s the story of Billy Beane. It really makes me want to be a baseball scout. Like really badly.
  • I switched my runs to outdoor runs this week because the weather has been so nice and because I really want to run a 5K. It hasn’t been nearly as bad as I thought it could be. I will say, though, that Elysian Park is brutal.
  • Every time I look at these cats, I really just want a dog. It’s starting to get to me.
  • I realized on Saturday evening that for the past 7 years I’ve done the exact same thing and gotten the exact same results. I know that’s part of the definition of insanity, BUT this time I didn’t expect different results. I knew what I was doing this time.
  • One of the best friends I’ve made in my adult life moved to South America five months ago. And while I fully support his happiness, I miss him terribly. That’s starting to get to me, too.
  • I have an overwhelming desire to disappear right now. I’m slowly shutting down social networking, except for Twitter at this point because that’s my only source of news.
  • The other thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is that there was this guy I went out with for a while, and while I know we don’t belong together, I feel really bad that he never knew why I liked him.
  • I really, really, really miss baseball. When I spent thirty minutes this morning reading minor league stats, I realized that someone needs to play a game soon.
  • I have had this friend since freshman year of high school. And with all of the above thoughts rolling around in my brain and exhaustion from trying to catch up after three months of working two full-time jobs, I appreciate all of the laughter last night. All joking aside, he truly is one of my soul mates.

are you happy?

When you asked me so long ago, I said I wasn’t unhappy.

You told me that you weren’t happy. And every time I feel anything less than happy, I think of you. I would never admit that because it doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do (or say), but I realized why today.

I heard Paulo Coelho speak and when asked the same question he said, “No.”

Again, I don’t feel better that someone else is unhappy, and for the most part I truly feel happy. But I do feel better.

I feel better to know that people who I admire greatly, who seemingly have it all figure out are not done yet. That gives me hope for times like this when the unhappiness that lurks inside me is more present that usual.

I know, now, that it’s happened so many times in the past, and I just didn’t know how to explain it, but I also know that it’s always been fixable.

So, thanks. Thanks for asking me then. And for leaving your answer with me now.

smart girls aren’t pretty?

[The italics are what I should have said. The quotes are the actual conversation.]

So, I get into the elevator in my apartment building yesterday with a canvas USC bag. This guy gets into the elevator and says, “Hi my name is —-. I’ve seen you around a lot.”

Well, yea. If we live in the same building, bound to happen.

“Hi, Jana. Nice to meet you.”

“You go to USC?”

Nope, I just like their football team.

“I did.”

“Ah.” (PAUSE) “We’re probably walking the same way. Can I walk with you?”

Umm. No. Did you see the earphones in my ears.

I guess so.”

“What did you study at USC?”

Oh my goodness, shut up.

“Well, journalism the first time and education the second.”

“Really? Wow. Usually, smart girls aren’t pretty.” (PAUSE) “You know…usually. Smart or pretty.”

Stare. Stare. “I guess.”

“So, do you think you’d want to go out with me sometime?”

“Not really.”

“Really?”

Well, honestly, I find you unattractive. I don’t find you amusing in any way. Nor do I think we would have anything to talk about. And I’d really hate to waste my own very limited free time.

“Really. Actually, I have a boyfriend. Sorry.” (lies, lies, lies)

“Oh. That doesn’t really matter.”

Are you an idiot? Seriously?

“It does to me.”

 

Now, I write this only as background for the conversation with my mother later on that evening. My mother loves The Bachelor. So, last week I watched it for her, and as I suspected it’s the dumbest thing ever. But she watches it nonetheless.

So, she says to me last night, “You don’t need a reality show. You ARE a reality show. The only thing that is missing is those text polls. They could say Text 1 if you think Jana was mean to the guy in the elevator. Text 2 if you think the guy in the elevator was an idiot.”

I cried I laughed so hard.

 

 

goodbyes, gold & baseball

goodbyes: It’s funny because I think the thing that has made me get over my troubles with saying goodbye has been my teaching career. You can’t not say goodbye to your students. It just doesn’t work that way. This has been interesting for me, though. I never expected that I would like students so much after just one quarter of teaching. My times as a long-term substitute is over as of today, and I realized that I’m going to miss my students. It’s so strange. I basically stumbled to work today. Not enough sleep. Overslept. No hot water in my shower. Couldn’t find socks. And then there’s the issue of the half-caffeinated coffee. Spells like a recipe for a horrible day, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t when I had to stay two hours later. And as I drove home, I realized that there’s a big part of me that is a teacher, whether or not I want that to be.

gold: My American Express gold card arrived in the mail today. I opened the package, activated it and then stared at it. I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with it. I just thought it would be fun to have one. Yup, fun. I have spent the past six months digging myself out of seven years worth of debt, and I’m waiting on one more check to pay off my last credit card. So, really I have no intention of racking up more debt, but well, it looks nice.

baseball: I drive by Dodger Stadium twice a day. It’s torture now. In the morning, I’m on the freeway so I only see the offramp and I think to myself: almost. In the afternoon, I get off the freeway and take a shortcut around the back way of Dodger Stadium. That’s when it’s really torture because when I come home, it’s close to what would be game time. And the entrance gate looks so inviting. Soon.