My knee is bruised in four places.

I didn’t even know it except it hurt all day to walk on. Then, I thought I should take a look at see what the problem was. Bruises. I didn’t even cry because of the pain. I cried out of sheer frustration. I’m upset because running is the one thing I do every day that clears my mind, and I really need that right now. But I’m also upset because I truly believe it is the physical manifestation of something plaguing my soul right now, which really means I need a shaman.

I’m tired of people lying to me.

And I’m even more tired of people trying to “comfort” me by saying that the liars have a weakness. Lying to a person is a lack of respect for that person’s humanity. And unless I’ve done something to deserve it, I’m tired of it. I’m trying to work through this, but I can’t. Which is probably why my knee is bruised and doubly why I need a shaman.

F—ing frustrated.

on unions

I grew up in a union household. I would sooner eat dirt than cross a picket line. The boycott list in my head is way too long to describe.

I’ve been reading some great reflections (Keith Olbermann & Steve Lopez) on why unions are necessary.

And while I have no doubt that my father’s union job is the reason that we always had a home, food and were all educated, the reason I will always support unions is deeper than that.

Part of it is that in my adult life, I have yet to have a union job. And I know that this is the reason I have been afforded zero protection against shoddy health insurance, lack of unemployment insurance, badly calculated withholding on my taxes, slander, and harassment. All the while, I had my father telling me “they can’t do that to you.” But I knew they could. There was no one to tell them not to.

The bigger part, though, is that growing up around my father’s union, I saw that not only do unions look out for the employees they represent, they also look out for the greater good. And I know, to some people, that is another major strike against them. But for me, it’s what we’re all about as humans.

My father is in a union that allowed for cost of living raises to be frozen. For years. In an effort to serve public health, to keep hospitals open, the freezes were agreed to. And yes, there were years where they wanted raises, but after seven years, you couldn’t blame them. And yes, I stood on picket lines with my father for their raises and benefits. But I also stood alongside him during protests that were in support of stopping the closure of major public health institutions.

I know that a lot of people think unions are an evil. That they protect jobs that don’t need protection, that they keep unqualified people in positions they don’t deserve, and that they are greedy and self-serving. And perhaps there are some out there that are like that, but I’ve never supported a movement or a protest that wasn’t designed for the collective good of all of its people–whether they worked for the union or were served by the union.

And I think that’s the deeper problem we’re seeing here. We don’t like collective good. We don’t. We think it’s socialism. But honestly, if it is, so be it.

But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.
-Robert F. Kennedy

now I understand…

…why my mom said I can’t just disappear.

She was really good about it because she had to know that it wouldn’t make sense to me. And it didn’t. But I listened because I told her I knew I wouldn’t understand so I would accept whatever she said as true.

So, I really want to talk to you right now (even though I know you would be disappointed in me), and part of me wants to be mad at you that you’re not here. But the bigger part of me understands, and I’m still happy for you. And the rest of me knows you’re always with me so I just have to shut up and listen to know you’re here–which is one of the last things you said to me.

Which is not the understanding.

The understanding came a few seconds ago when I realized that I’m not mad because we’re exactly the same—soulmates, you used to say. But for anyone else who doesn’t get this, they would never understand. And they would be mad or hurt.

So, thanks mom.

more awesome conversations

(This one from work.)

Me: Hey, C—-, I’m trying to get some support for this charity boxing idea I have.

Coworker 1: We’re doing charity boxing here?

Me: Well…no. But…don’t you think we should?

Coworker 1: Are you volunteering to fight?

Me: Of course.

Coworker 2: Her volunteering is not the problem. She’s also volunteering her opponents.

Me: (to Coworker 1): Just think about it. Me and you-know-who in the ring. Just picture it. I wouldn’t even need that long. Think how many problems that would solve.

Coworker 2: I don’t like where this conversation is going…

oh, Facebook…

I disabled everything on my Facebook page for one month. I started by following the feed on Tweetdeck, but after a week it was pointless. I follow the same people/things on Twitter. I didn’t miss it one bit, but oddly it concerns people. So, I’ve turned it back on.

The reason is/was I’m very anti-the-$50-billion thing. Call it what you will, but it bothers me.

This is not a promise that I’ll check it or log onto it. Or whatever else you’re supposed to do with it.

If you really want to talk to me…let’s continue our progress toward emailing & calling me.

“it’s Hail Mary time”

Three of the women who I trust and I admire the most said to me in the span of 2 days last week that it’s “prayer time.”

It’s funny to me to think that one moment in time would be more deserving of prayer than another, but I feel like that I would be foolish to not heed the hint.

So, I have been making a effort to pray, pray, pray. Probably not in the way that I was taught as a child, but in the way that I have learned as an adult. And honestly, things have gotten easier. My body is refreshed. My mind is less negative. And my spirit is more bright.

And for their specific intentions, I continue to pray. The best I can do is have everything–body, mind and soul–in complete flow with the universe. And we’re in rhythm right now.

So, pray, I will.

Hail, Mary…


On Sunday my mom told me that she has stopped drinking coffee altogether. She went on to say that she drinks a tall glass of water in the morning as a substitute (and my body was horrified by that statement).

Then, on Monday I realized my desperation as I walked down the hill at work to get another can of Diet Coke (which would have been the 2nd of the day after four cups of coffee).

So, yesterday, I thought why not at least cut out a bit of it. I drank two cups of coffee and iced green tea. And that was it. And I have to say that I was in a terrible mood by three o’clock. It was definitely enhanced by someone, but still that’s not really good.

So, when I say that people don’t want to know me when I’m not properly caffeinated, I’m not lying.

And since today is going to be a long day of meetings, I’m already two cups in.