My knee is bruised in four places.

I didn’t even know it except it hurt all day to walk on. Then, I thought I should take a look at see what the problem was. Bruises. I didn’t even cry because of the pain. I cried out of sheer frustration. I’m upset because running is the one thing I do every day that clears my mind, and I really need that right now. But I’m also upset because I truly believe it is the physical manifestation of something plaguing my soul right now, which really means I need a shaman.

I’m tired of people lying to me.

And I’m even more tired of people trying to “comfort” me by saying that the liars have a weakness. Lying to a person is a lack of respect for that person’s humanity. And unless I’ve done something to deserve it, I’m tired of it. I’m trying to work through this, but I can’t. Which is probably why my knee is bruised and doubly why I need a shaman.

F—ing frustrated.

not blogging

The last three posts I’ve written are sitting as drafts. See, I’ve made a promise to myself not to complain. Honestly, they are not even true complaints, but they’re not happy and I’m trying to this an unhappy free zone.

But I also want to be honest so I’m going to just write a list. Facts only:

  • My brother gave me “Moneyball” for Christmas, and I just started reading it. A few chapters in, the short version is that it’s the story of Billy Beane. It really makes me want to be a baseball scout. Like really badly.
  • I switched my runs to outdoor runs this week because the weather has been so nice and because I really want to run a 5K. It hasn’t been nearly as bad as I thought it could be. I will say, though, that Elysian Park is brutal.
  • Every time I look at these cats, I really just want a dog. It’s starting to get to me.
  • I realized on Saturday evening that for the past 7 years I’ve done the exact same thing and gotten the exact same results. I know that’s part of the definition of insanity, BUT this time I didn’t expect different results. I knew what I was doing this time.
  • One of the best friends I’ve made in my adult life moved to South America five months ago. And while I fully support his happiness, I miss him terribly. That’s starting to get to me, too.
  • I have an overwhelming desire to disappear right now. I’m slowly shutting down social networking, except for Twitter at this point because that’s my only source of news.
  • The other thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is that there was this guy I went out with for a while, and while I know we don’t belong together, I feel really bad that he never knew why I liked him.
  • I really, really, really miss baseball. When I spent thirty minutes this morning reading minor league stats, I realized that someone needs to play a game soon.
  • I have had this friend since freshman year of high school. And with all of the above thoughts rolling around in my brain and exhaustion from trying to catch up after three months of working two full-time jobs, I appreciate all of the laughter last night. All joking aside, he truly is one of my soul mates.

goodbyes, gold & baseball

goodbyes: It’s funny because I think the thing that has made me get over my troubles with saying goodbye has been my teaching career. You can’t not say goodbye to your students. It just doesn’t work that way. This has been interesting for me, though. I never expected that I would like students so much after just one quarter of teaching. My times as a long-term substitute is over as of today, and I realized that I’m going to miss my students. It’s so strange. I basically stumbled to work today. Not enough sleep. Overslept. No hot water in my shower. Couldn’t find socks. And then there’s the issue of the half-caffeinated coffee. Spells like a recipe for a horrible day, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t when I had to stay two hours later. And as I drove home, I realized that there’s a big part of me that is a teacher, whether or not I want that to be.

gold: My American Express gold card arrived in the mail today. I opened the package, activated it and then stared at it. I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with it. I just thought it would be fun to have one. Yup, fun. I have spent the past six months digging myself out of seven years worth of debt, and I’m waiting on one more check to pay off my last credit card. So, really I have no intention of racking up more debt, but well, it looks nice.

baseball: I drive by Dodger Stadium twice a day. It’s torture now. In the morning, I’m on the freeway so I only see the offramp and I think to myself: almost. In the afternoon, I get off the freeway and take a shortcut around the back way of Dodger Stadium. That’s when it’s really torture because when I come home, it’s close to what would be game time. And the entrance gate looks so inviting. Soon.


what I miss the most…

is the Question of the Week. They always took me a whole week to answer. Haunted my dreams, consumed my thoughts as I performed my normal daily activities, and all in all just drove me crazy.  Then, there would be a moment of inspiration, and I would be ready to share the answer the following week. And to claim  my new question.

What is the most important thing?

That was the question from May 1, and I found a half-written response. I think my answer would be different now. And that’s funny to me. But at the same time. I’m happy I found it because I think answering it again might be helpful.

so this girl walks into a bar…

…and the entire trajectory of her life is changed.

It seems silly. Strange, even, to say. But it’s so true. And I know it because the girl is me.

It’s not been about the food or the drinks or the late nights of tear-inducing laughter. It’s been about destiny and friendship. The thing that happens when two kindred spirits cross paths in ways that are unexplained. When doors open. When thoughts are revealed. And challenges are issued.

When I was very young, it was very hard for me to say goodbye. It’s not so bad now. I made it all the way home tonight after saying goodbye without crying at all. It wasn’t until now that the tears started to flow.

Probably a little out of selfishness. The friend who has become a sounding board for my ideas, for my frustrations. Who has shared my dreams. Who has encouraged me. Who has pushed me to make the jump that I wanted to so many times in the past six years. Who has watched the first months of that jump and encouraged still as it has been a struggle.

And I’ve known all the while that it would end. I knew it would because at the same time I was encouraging his jump, and his jump is sending him to the other side of the world.

So, yes, there is sadness in me right now. To not see his smiling face every week will be hard. But at the same time, he has touched my soul so deeply and brought about such positive change that I know I carry a part of him within me. So, he’ll never be very far from me. And our pacts, pledges, promises to each other. I know that they will be part of me still.

I hope that our paths cross again. I truly do. But I will say this. My life has truly been changed for the better because of the presence of an amazing advisor, editor, shaman, brother, and friend.