with much disappointment…

…comes great joy.

And I’m not saying this to be trite or to make myself feel better about something.

Do you ever think that possibly the universe doesn’t “let” you have something until you’ve earned it? I think I learned today that this is exactly what happens.

I think—I know— that I made the right decision today. And a huge one at that (so I’m doubly proud of myself for making it rationally and logically).

No sooner was the intention stated as the one thing that I’ve been praying for for the past three months occurred. Bam! Just like that.

And no it’s not my house. (That’s the disappointment part.)

But I learned today that hoping and planning for things is meaningless. Praying with and for love is pretty much all there is.

So along with my disappointment, I my heart has been filled with an immense amount of love.

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rays of sunshine

In an attempt to brush off the blogging cobwebs, I have a simple reflection for the day. Three things that made it positively amazing:

  1. This text arrived at 6:39 a.m.: “I have seen some beautiful things in my life. But few can compete with the awe of seeing the Grand Canyon as the sun raises above. I love you all.” Every now and then, we are lucky enough to make friends whose lives are so cosmically intertwined with our own that we can share their joy–without even being there. I haven’t seen the sun rise over the Grand Canyon, but for my morning, I certainly felt the after effects of that experience.
  2. An email from one of my oldest and closest friends asking if she can stay with me for a few days in October. We don’t get to see each other that often, and I had all but given up hope that we would be able to see each other before Christmas as we usually do.
  3. This: Robert Plant covering one of my absolute favorite Los Lobos’ songs (and I think I see David Hidalgo there in the car). I can’t stop smiling.

a test?

I’m not purposely trying to test my friends. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

But sometimes. Sometimes.

Things happen that make me see a few things. 1. What I’m personally made of. 2. What other people think of me. 3. How kind and caring other people are.

#1 I did this exercise where you list what makes you angry for a day. It was supposed to shed light on your greatest passions. So, if I could say what’s made me angry in the past two days, I could tell you that I have genuinely pinpointed another major source of passion.

#2 In the past two days, the conversations I’ve had have been with people who know me so well that there has not even been a blink of the eye as I have outlined my frustration. It was a beautiful gift last night to know that what I think of myself is exactly what my closest friends see.

#3 Whenever I feel like this, I’m also overwhelmed with a sense of guilt for making other people worry. My old approach was to keep it to myself so no one knew, but that just caused more problems in the long run. To see the genuine support and compassion and understanding, has been a major gift.

the f-ing paperclips

Okay, I can say it now.

So, I walk down to my mailbox at work to find that every teacher has received a box of paperclips. I know this sounds really stupid, but you kind of have to beg for supplies so it’s a big deal when you’ve been out of paperclips for a couple of weeks and refuse to buy your own.

I saw the first two rows of mailboxes first and noticed the paperclips. Then, my eyes went down to my box and amazingly there was a lack of paperclips in my mailbox. My friend stormed over to her box to find the same noticeable lack of paperclips.

I will cut out the middle of this story, but I will say that it was not a pretty scene. And I have dumped all my paperclips out of the box (that I procured somehow) and I fully intend to leave the duct-taped empty box of paperclips in my box from now until the end of the year.

This little incident genuinely sent me into a tailspin, and I’m actually quite embarrassed. At the same time, I took it as a sign that something seriously needs to change. Inside me. So, I’m working on that.

I am so grateful, though, to everyone who agreed with me that it was a big deal, everyone who laughed, and this bit of insight from last night: If you’re going to have a nervous breakdown, you want to have it over something like paperclips. You don’t want to have it over something where you’re genuinely in danger and really need to react. (I’m badly paraphrasing.)

And I realized two things—-

1. I’ve officially been pushed to the edge of where I’m comfortable existing.
2. I have some f-ing amazing people in my life.

your soul is showing

Last Sunday, I had dinner at my parents house. I left later than I usually do on Sunday nights, coming up with three different plots to not have to go to work the next day.

When I finally got home, I realized that my line of thinking was going to make my week entirely miserable. Since I knew going in that there was going to be a minimal amount of sleep involved in my week, I figured that I would be doubly miserable about Wednesday when the exhaustion hit me.

So, I said to myself that it is all positive. Every single bit of it. Continue reading

Lucky 27 (Part 2)

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. I was extremely intent upon not being depressed about turning 27. I think what was harder than turning 27 was knowing that Ruben was turning 17. That being said, a plan began to form…

This whole thing started when I realized the Dodgers Opening Day was going to fall on my birthday. So, I knew that would be a lot of fun to begin with. And then after an interesting night with my parents at the Yardhouse two weekends ago, I figured why not go back for my birthday.

So, Sunday morning, I went to Easter mass with my family. It was a very nice mass, and it made me think that I miss my

Ruben & Me

Ruben & Me

childhood parish a little. I spent most of the afternoon with my parents before going home to spend some time in the gym and take a quick nap.

My parents and Gabriel and Ruben picked me up for dinner at the Yardhouse. And, so began the fun. David and Laura met us there. And Teri and Tanaya and Ryan soon followed.

All other comments about that night aside, it made me fairly certain that I have some pretty amazing people in my life. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly fortunate.

For my actual birthday, Tanaya and I were at Opening Day. We have a huge secret about what happened yesterday, and I’m pretty sure we’ll take it to our graves. However, it was nice to see that opening ceremonies.

From there, I headed back to my parents house for some cheesecake and to find that they bought me something that I apparently talk about way too much, an Aerogarden!

I am extremely grateful for the chance to have celebrated life in such a wonderful way. I think that every time I really see how amazing the people I love are, I am absolutely blown away. I’m pretty sure I’m one of the luckiest people on this planet.

Opening Day!

Opening Day!