frustration.

My knee is bruised in four places.

I didn’t even know it except it hurt all day to walk on. Then, I thought I should take a look at see what the problem was. Bruises. I didn’t even cry because of the pain. I cried out of sheer frustration. I’m upset because running is the one thing I do every day that clears my mind, and I really need that right now. But I’m also upset because I truly believe it is the physical manifestation of something plaguing my soul right now, which really means I need a shaman.

I’m tired of people lying to me.

And I’m even more tired of people trying to “comfort” me by saying that the liars have a weakness. Lying to a person is a lack of respect for that person’s humanity. And unless I’ve done something to deserve it, I’m tired of it. I’m trying to work through this, but I can’t. Which is probably why my knee is bruised and doubly why I need a shaman.

F—ing frustrated.

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a test?

I’m not purposely trying to test my friends. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

But sometimes. Sometimes.

Things happen that make me see a few things. 1. What I’m personally made of. 2. What other people think of me. 3. How kind and caring other people are.

#1 I did this exercise where you list what makes you angry for a day. It was supposed to shed light on your greatest passions. So, if I could say what’s made me angry in the past two days, I could tell you that I have genuinely pinpointed another major source of passion.

#2 In the past two days, the conversations I’ve had have been with people who know me so well that there has not even been a blink of the eye as I have outlined my frustration. It was a beautiful gift last night to know that what I think of myself is exactly what my closest friends see.

#3 Whenever I feel like this, I’m also overwhelmed with a sense of guilt for making other people worry. My old approach was to keep it to myself so no one knew, but that just caused more problems in the long run. To see the genuine support and compassion and understanding, has been a major gift.