the question

As often as possible, I have spent my Friday nights (and the wee hours of Saturday morning) for the past few months with the same group of friends. I have come to treasure this time, genuinely feeling when I miss it that the beginning of my next week lacks something vital. It’s an odd assortment of people, or primarily one friend, who makes this worthwhile, but the total experience has become almost spiritual.

Two Fridays ago, two things happened. I was sitting there, shaking my head, saying I just don’t know anymore. I need to get my head together. And my friend pulled from his back pocket a small book called “The Art of Peace.”

“I think you need this more than I do.”

If that wasn’t enough, he always asks me one question. That Friday it was “What’s the most important thing to you?” It took me a few days to get back to him on that.

That along with a very revealing conversation with another person who has become an amazing friend in the past few months, really made me see a lot about myself. It was so interesting in conjunction with “The Art of Peace” and “The Interior Castle” that I thought for a brief moment that aforementioned friend just might be an angel.

Way too many messages. I’d lie if I said I’m not struggling right now. On many, many levels.

But I think I learned last night where this struggle started. What it means. How it’s occurred over the past four years.

And in all honesty…how to fix it. And I think I reclaimed a tiny bit of my soul in just deciding that it is, indeed, fixable.

on faith

I read something today that I have thought a lot about. It was a discussion on the concept of “stuckness.” The gist of the discussion was that only when we are stuck are we able to see what is really causing us to feel that way. That made me think about a lot of things. In some ways, I feel “stuck” right now. In other ways, I feel very free. So, it’s interesting. And it made me think that perhaps the aspects of my life that make me feel stuck are what are freeing me in other areas.

I watched “Religulous” with a friend tonight. Bill Maher was exceptionally bitter in the film, but I kind of expected it and was able to laugh. It’s strange because all it really did is made me more firm in my beliefs. My friend’s husband said something very interesting and that was that Maher was wrong about one very important thing. Maher says in the film that he doesn’t think than anyone possesses the ability to understand or know something that he does not. My friend’s husband said something that I agree with. He said that through meditation and prayer and practice some people do have deeper understandings and deeper feelings toward things and people. That simply set me on my way home with the thought that my meditation practices certainly need to be strengthened.

And the last thing. I was driving home with the windows down to feel the cool air. I have always held that deep breathing is a prayer so that was very nice. I looked up and saw the moon. It’s a pretty clear night so I could see the craters, and I remembered the first time I really genuinely looked at the moon. I don’t remember how old I was, but my family was on a camping trip. My father and I were sitting by the campfire when all of a sudden he told me to look up at the moon. I did, and I remember the words he said to me: “There’s no way you can look at that moon and tell me there is not a God.”

And I couldn’t then. And I couldn’t now.